Author Archives: juiletkaren

Another Kind of Job Candidate – Finding Your Mr. Right

Finding Mr. Right is verisimilar to performing a job search. Professionals in the market for a new position devise a list of job requirements (area of expertise, location, salary, medical benefits corporate culture and other incentives). For some reason, women approach dating with little thought besides a two-legged dude with a working mouth to lip the words, “I love you.”

So, what is the difference between an eligible and ineligible bachelor? It depends on your personal compatibility prerequisites (PCP). Just like an open position defines its specifications, every woman should outline her Mr. Right qualifications. The fundamental aspect women miss in quest of Mr. Right is failure to complete the wish-list. Nevertheless, finding Mr. Right necessitates being true to an individual’s PCPs. Even for the woman who has finalized her companion checklist, it entails looking for the correct candidate to fulfill the job.

Not all job listings are concise descriptions. Very few want ads read: “Looking for highly confrontational employee to disrupt the operations of our office.” In the sphere of looking for Mr. Right, many women apply the same absurd logic to looking for suitable partners.

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In a recent, round-table discussion about turn-ons and turn offs, a few women shared their male counterpart top priorities. Attractive with history of family turmoil, Mari (26) is turned off by passive men. Accustomed to conflict, she is attracted to men who represent drama. Cary, (37) an accountant, requires exorbitant public displays of affection accompanied with text messages and daily calls about nothing. New Business Consultant, Kendall (28) loves men with a six pack.

When the women of the forum were asked about the patterns of their relationships, the cause and effect was closely associated to their choices or specifications. Since, Mari is nourished by drama, herrelationships result in tumultuous chaos. While, Cary is stuck in the fantasy of what an emotionally committed relationship is (PDA, text messages and calls)-she tends to date several agile thumbed MIA (missing in action) gents. Her prerequisites make for a multitude of short-term trysts. Obviously, Kendall’s need for beefcake serves as series of superficial romps.
What are your personal compatibility prerequisites?

Charting Your Dating Past

Before one can define what is important in a long-term relationship, it is important to review your past history. On a sheet of paper create a list of your most heartfelt relationships. Use the following headings:

Name
Attraction
Irreconcilable traits

In the field of attraction, detail reasons you were attracted, in the irreconcilable traits field – enter negative aspects of the relationship (dishonesty, infidelity, inattentive, unreliable, etc.) Don’t forget to include other patterns such as alcoholism, gambling addiction or even manic depression. Continue completing the list with each significant lover interest, until the list is completed.
After you have charted all previous relationships look for overwhelming patterns in the attraction and irreconcilable traits. The exercise is designed to help identify poor relationship choices. For instance, a pattern of dating Harley riding cheaters portrays the propensity for dating the “bad boy.” Conversely, if your pattern portrays a wide spectrum of attractions and a tendency of dating philanderers, it may demonstrate that you are missing the warning signs of futile male candidates.

Define What Is Important

After you rule out the types of dating scenarios you hope to avoid and what is unacceptable behavior, it makes it that much easier to define what is important. The primary reason 50 percent of all marriages do not thrive until death – is because people fail to delineate what is relevant.

For example, if you are a spend thrift and you become involved with a frivolous spender, it will be hard for the relationship to endure the long haul. A similar tenet applies to an ethical person who becomes involved with a dishonest individual. A quick way to evaluate compatibility with Mr. Right is to discover how he:

Treats his associates and friends
Interacts and cares for family members
Deals with work situations – that depict his work ethic
All of the above situations demonstrate an individual’s character and whether or not they are in accordance with your belief system.

Relationship assignment: Create a concise list of relationship must-haves or personal compatibility prerequisites (PCPs)

Example PCP List:

Honesty
Attentive
Health conscious
Hard-worker/ambitious
Professional/blue collar
Fun-loving/adventurism
Demure Ethics/Christian

Visualize Mr. Right’s Positive Qualities

The greatest barrier single’s employ in the pursuit of ‘the one’ is the image myth. Creating a physical image of the idyllic person blocks the ability to become involved with the right people. Instead of thinking about lucid blue eyes or six-pack abdominals, envision an attentive suitor with an honest demeanor. By focusing on the positive attributes, it will enhance your ability to attract your fantasy relationship.

Relationship assignment: Visualize your dream mate. The visualization should include relationship situations where Mr. Right treats you with respect. Use your list of PCPs to replace any negative experiences of the past with the way you would like your Mr. Wonderful to treat you. Remember not to put a physical image on your ideal partner.
Place the Dating Campaign in Overdrive

In order for your visualization to come to fruition, you must meet people. In other words, place yourself in situations where you can mingle with other singles. Without sounding cliché, dating is a number’s game. The more you date the better chance you have to meet the right one. Each encounter brings you that much closer to finding the one.

An active dating campaign entails recruiting new interests – each week. Set a realistic number of people you would like to date. For example, if you can comfortably juggle 7 contenders than you need to recruit a minimum of 2 people a week to achieve your target. Dating several people is important because it helps you remain true to your PCP list. More importantly, it will allow you to remain impartial in determining which of your potential Mr. Rights are authentically eligible for you.
Relationship assignment: Set a dating campaign objective – how many people you can date at one time. Given your current professional work schedule, be realistic in the number of dates you can handle.

Manage Your Time

As with any new job placement, there is a probation period. During the trial span, the employer evaluates the employee for punctuality, responsibility, leadership, taking initiative and other redeeming talents. Just as the decision maker of the job does not have the time to invest in an unqualified applicant, the same is true of the ineligible Mr. Right.

For the women serious and fastidious about finding Mr. Right, it’s all about time-management. In other words, there’s no time to waste with any applicant who demonstrates the probability of a go nowhere relationship. Use the following checklist to identify the warning signs of a time waster.

13-Treacherous Go Nowhere Relationship Signs

1. Never calls when promised. (Unreliable)

2. Makes dates and then calls to see what “your plans” are for the evening. (Non-committal)

3. Pays very little attention to you answers cell phone and ignoring you.

4. Rarely, tries to make a week-end plan. (Anti-commitment)

5. Only, invites you over to ‘watch TV’. (Failure to demonstrate effort or true interest)

6. Secretive or does not care to share details of his life. (Emotionally unavailable)

7. Demonstrates an inability to make date plans in advance (Inconsiderate)

8. Inconsistent stories (Dishonest and unreliable)

9. Any kind of excessive indulgences (alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling, and pornography) may be a sign of a person unable to love. (Emotionally unavailable)

10. Makes plans by way of meeting at a bar or club. (Failure to demonstrate effort or true interest)

11. Talks about all exes in a negative way. (Victim who will never take responsibility for his inadequacies).

12. Obsessed with beauty and appearances. (Superficial person who may never be satisfied by anyone).

13. Any kind of disrespectful behavior. (Uncaring, unconscious)
Finding the appropriate job candidate, Mr. Right involves defining your list. Keep the search for the suitable nominee objective by taking many applications and dating several. Then weed out the undesirables. It will narrow the gap of finding the one. More importantly, it may thwart the pandemonium of another go nowhere relationship

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Finding Mr. Right

Sometimes it seems as if all men are frogs. You keep kissing them, hoping that one day you’ll find a prince. So, how do you find Mr. Right? Instead of sitting back and letting destiny do her thing, why don’t you give her a hand. Here are few tricks to finding Mr. Right. Who knows, he may be searching for you at this very moment.

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First, you have to be ready, not just willing. What I mean is that you need to be confident in yourself, and you need to be independent. You can’t be looking for a man to be that last piece of the puzzle. A lot of men are reluctant to play that part. You need to let the male population know that you are fine with or without a man. This will put less pressure on him, and less pressure on you. Plus, being confident is sexy.

Next, you need to be available. You can’t be looking for Mr. Replacement. If you have not gotten over your last love, you will need to do that first. You tend to get an inaccurate view when you compare one man to another. Everyone is different and they have their own strengths and weaknesses.

Now, you are ready to get an idea of who Mr. Right should be. Make a list of qualities he should have and a list of weaknesses he should not have. Than decide which qualities and weaknesses you will or will not compromise on. This will help you create a goal. Now all you have to do is find a name for Mr. Right.

Now, you are ready to search. Start by looking close to you. If it doesn’t violate any rules, your place of work may be a good pond to fish in. Not just your coworkers, but your business contacts have a lot in common with you already. Most likely, you will have similar backgrounds and have developed a friendship already. In my opinion, you should avoid bars where there is too much competition and game playing. Enlist the help of your friends, who have a pretty good idea of what kind of man you would be compatible with.

Next, you must relax. Just remember that it is not the end of the world if one man doesn’t like you. You only need one man, anyways. If you are tense it will show, and again that is too much pressure to put on a prospect.

Now, you must learn how to flirt. It may seem obvious to you that you are interested in a man, but some men are just oblivious to our signals. They need a little more than just eye contact, and a smile. Joke, compliment, and even a little pat on the back, or some kind of physical contact, may be a clearer sign. If need be, ask him out. The worst that can happen is he says no.

Move on. For some reason, us women have trouble just letting things go. If you meet someone who is not interested, there may not be any explanation. Let it go. Get your closure by telling yourself, “I may not have found the one, but at least I have identified another not quite.”

By following the advice above, you just may find that prince you’ve been looking for. The important thing is never giving up. Your prince may be anywhere and you could cross paths today. Remember the more frogs you kiss, the closer you are to finding that prince. Have fun, be confident, and just relax.

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Finding Mr. Right: Knowing What Mr. Wrong Looks like Will Save You Tears and Frustration

Finding Mr. Right is no easy feat in today’s world, but rest assured, it can be done.

It doesn’t matter where you look. Mr. Right could be anywhere. So can Mr. Wrong. You may very well find Mr. Right in a bar and that jerk you dated for a month could absolutely be an upstanding member of his church. Mr. Right may even be logging on right now to update his online dating profile.

It only matters that you know what you are looking for. You gotta know which guys to drop like a hot potato and which guy to keep around. That’s not as hard as it seems.

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Basically, there are five types of men in the world. They are: Sucker, Loser, Jerk, Over-Achiever & Mr. Right. Once you know the tell-tale signs of each type of guy, then picking Mr. Right out of a lineup will become a great deal easier.

Here’s a brief description of each to help you out.

The Sucker: He’s the guy who makes sure everything is absolutely perfect for your dates. He gets the door for you, picks up the check, watches chick flicks with you, rubs your feet and doesn’t even pressure you for sex. Sounds heavenly, right?

The problem is that he’s too perfect. He’s trying too hard to make this thing work. He calls you all the time because he thinks you want him to. Truth is you’d just like to be left alone for a day. He interrupts your girls night out by bringing you flowers, completely ignoring the fact that you are hosting a bachelorette party for your best friend. He’s just sucking the life out of you.

You know that if you marry this guy you will never want for anything again. Problem is that you want to assert your independence and prove to the world that you don’t need a man to take care of you. This is the one you hate to cut loose, if you don’t you will just suffocate.

The Loser: This guy’s hot. He’s really hot. He’s skated by on his looks since he was five and his dad’s checkbook has probably helped him out more than a few times.

Sure, he treats you well and takes you to all those fancy restaurants. Then after dinner, he takes you back to his mom’s house. If not his mom’s house, then the house that his mom pays for. Maybe he’s still working on that six-year bachelor’s degree in physical education. Maybe he even works part time. And yes, he’s incredibly easy on the eyes.

The problem, aside from the fact that he’s 30 years old and his parents are still footing his bills, is that this guy lacks any ambition at all. He may tell you how wonderful you are, but there’s no chance he will ever commit to anything beyond a romp in the hay every few days. Why would he? Mommy and Daddy are still taking care of all his other needs. Unless you are willing to support his lifestyle, you’d better pass on this one.

The Jerk: He seems harmless at first, and the fast car and well-toned body just reel you in. Then you start to notice little things, like him paying more attention to his reflection in the rear-view mirror than to the road, and the constant phone calls he gets from girls he calls “sweetheart” and “darlin.'”

If you ever confront Mr. I’m-so-wonderful about the calls, he just brushes you off and says that you are being paranoid. The problem MUST be you, because, well, he’s perfect and he does nothing wrong and you are lucky to even have him in your life.

Here’s the thing though, if he starts out treating you like you care the problem, it will only get worse. He will never own up to the fact that he is NOT God and your relationship is doomed to fail.

Kick him to the curb, maybe if that happens often enough he the chip will fall off his shoulder.

The Over-Achiever: This guy is the one who finished college at the ripe old age of 16 and who has already climbed the corporate ladder to become vice-president of whatever company was lucky enough to hire him. He’s only 22. (So what if you are 33?)

Again, he provides nothing but the finest dining experiences for you and he sends the most Belgian chocolates to your office on Valentine’s Day. You’ve only been dating three weeks and already he’s presented you with a pair of diamond earrings. That’s how he marked his territory. See, he’s not around enough for anyone to know that the boyfriend you talk about is not an imaginary friend.

Every time you think you will finally get a nice, quiet evening out his cell phone rings or there is some emergency meeting at the office. He’s not cheating on you, not literally. He is just in love with his work. He has to be the best at what he does and what he does has nothing to do with building a relationship.

It could have been fun; the gifts and all, but a wise woman knows that marrying a man who is already married to his job is a recipe for disaster.

Mr. Right: Mr. Right comes in a a variety of packages. He may or may not be the most handsome guy you know, but something about him still takes your breath away. Mr. Right may not be able to shower you with the finest luxuries money can buy and he may not always remember to get the door for you. He makes you laugh though.

Mr. Right absolutely adores you. He doesn’t mind that your hair sticks up in the morning, in fact, he thinks it’s cute. He doesn’t mind your morning breath or the fact that you want alone time once in a while. He just wants you to be happy.

Even more important though, is that you don’t care that he’s 29 and thinking about a career change or that his hair is thinning. You are smitten. You can’t help but think about him when you wake up each morning. you can’t wait to tell him the good news about your promotion at work; even though you’ve always told you mom stuff like that first.

He’s your everything. You need him and you are okay with that. You don’t need to prove your independence to him. He’s happy helping you or letting you take care of things. You are perfect together.

Here’s the thing; while the jerks and suckers do definitely exist, when you meet Mr. Right, all those things you wanted and needed from a relationship just fall into place. Those other guys never clicked from the beginning. Mr. Right probably did click from the moment you laid eyes on him.

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Righting Ourselves Before Mr. Right

Finding Mr. Right in today’s society is not as simple as it was when Shakespeare’s Juliet uttered her breathy and cliche, “Where fore art thou, Romeo…” That phrase is a well-worn line, and now sends men scattering across the globe. Post-modern singles are dumbstruck with 60-hour workweeks, amassed credit card bills, and a penchant for selfishness that rivals the greediest of corporate whores.

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Finding Mr. Right has become a failing art for most women; it’s lost to the sea of lack of communication, wavering self-confidence, and over-analyzing every little thing he does; that is, every little thing that man does well, or fails at miserably. Women now carry more baggage than in any other time in history when it comes to relationships, and now wonder why every man they meet suddenly has a “deal breaker” or poorly formed excuse to break off the relationship. Men simply can’t handle all those unresolved issues and women refuse to let go of it, verging on irrational paranoia.

There is no such creature as Mr. Right. Expectations are much too dependent on stereotypical delusions of grandeur. There are many wonderful men in today’s world, but until women fine-tune their overrated laundry list of features in a man, adjust their emotionally imbalanced state, and communicate, they will continue to be miserable, and more notably, single.

There’s been an onslaught of clever prose on the language of lovers, both verbal and body over the past several years. The singles are consuming these relationship books like children in a candy store. When did society stop using their own brains and common sense to know that if one does not communicate their needs, and no reciprocity, or compromise exists in a relationship, that the pages of a book are somehow going to fix it?

Consider, that as children, we were blunt, or we were shy-we told that cute little boy or girl next door how we felt; “I like you” or “I don’t like it when you pull my pigtails” and never thought twice about it. To illustrate, some women are consistently in a state of complaint that they haven’t had a great orgasm with the recent man in their life, but are loath to tell the poor sod, “just a little to the left” would most certainly do the trick.

The same analogy applies to any given relationship issue, without communication, no woman or man will be happy, nor can they provide their partner happiness if needs, wants, and desires are not communicated. Somewhere down the line, the relationship will fail, and one or the other is handed the “deal breaker” and left with a poor excuse of sorts, when simple communication could have resolved the issue much earlier on. If the relationship manages to survive, there are two very unhappy parties merely existing.

When we get right down to the nature of the single women’s woes, there is no escape from the angst of what so-and-so did some 13 years prior. One of the biggest mistakes women and men alike, make in the mating game, is to carry around years, and sometimes decades, of excess emotional baggage. It is time to empty the bag of every evil deed, some ex-boyfriend or husband of no consequence, invoked on you. Every individual deserves and has the right to be treated, as the individual they are, not how “a woman scorned” perceives them to be.

Our experiences make us who we are; we grow by learning. If that bad relationship didn’t afford an obvious lesson, the lesson is on the table now; refrain from alienating the potential Mr. Right with a bad history that belongs to someone else.

While emotional baggage can be resolved, personalities don’t change. It is a scientific fact that it takes approximately two years of new behavior for a person to acquire or change an innate personality trait. Women cannot change men or vice versa. How many times has it been said, “I can break him of that habit?” The next fact is obvious; people cannot be “broken,” “tamed,” “trained,” or even slightly “modified” to adjust to a woman’s concept of what is acceptable. People are who they are-it is innate. If said habits are unacceptable in the early period of the relationship, they most assuredly will become intolerable later, and likely result in divorce.

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Just as women and men cannot change each other, it is even more important that women not attempt to “snare” Mr. Right, with tactics not their own. Women tend to be chameleons, changing their personalities, behaviors, style of dress to attract and please Mr. Right. This is false-unless you can keep up the act for the next 50 or 60 years, Mr. Right hasn’t even fallen in love with “you,” he’s fallen in love with the persona of a woman who speaks, dresses, and acts like someone else!

Everyone falls prey to the mating game-women especially will go to the extra trouble of presenting themselves in a light they perceive as the one men want to see. This is actually true, but people must be true to themselves. Looking extra hot on a Saturday night is one thing, but men know most women don’t typically dress as such, all the time. Be yourself. Be true to yourself.

Speaking of Saturday nights, bars and nightclubs may be where everyone hangs out, hotties and not, but rarely does anything more than a one night stand or 3-week stint result from an encounter that evolved from the drunken stoop of the local pub. Think about it, if that sexy barfly settled in at the end of the table is there often, he’s going to be found later, warming the same seat and possibly someone elses. Old habits die hard, and that one usually doesn’t.

Is that clock ticking? Have confidence that he knows it, too. With modern technology, science, and marvels in medicine, it is now safe to have children well into the forties without consequence or risk. There are a few additional tests that will need to be completed, but rest assured, children are in fact possible at later ages. Relax, and enjoy the carefree experiences of youth, while still young!

As young, hip, and even trendy, or aging singles abound these days, so does the cost, the time, and notably the angst of finding Mr. Right. It’s more common than not to work 60-80 hours per week, to have weekends consumed by perhaps even more work, simply to make ends meet. Really, there is little time left to socialize. Women have more recently inundated themselves with the trauma and panic of “not being able to find a man,” much less a “good” man, and are making the ultimate mistake of “settling.” This is considered desperation; it’s a cheat to oneself, and it robs both partners of an honest relationship. As individuals, we all deserve the best of what life has to offer. Selfishness, loneliness, and desperation do not make a solid foundation for love. Avoid inflicting it on others who absolutely do not deserve the selfish plight of your desire to be in a relationship, married, or having children at this very moment.

Women tend to overlook that desperation by setting unrealistic goals. Once upon a time if the female gender was not married off and having babies by the time they were thirty, they were considered “old maids” and “spinsters.” In today’s terms, single women are simply referred to as single or “bachelorettes.” With careers and education pulling at the traditional and long-gone societal roles for the twenties, by modern standards, the twenties have evolved and are now lasting to a realistic estimate in the forties. What’s the rush?

Once the excess of emotional baggage is gone and communication lines are opened, women can and will find themselves in tune with a few more men who may be closer to their ideal of the elusive Mr. Right. Understanding that both men and women need to be true to themselves and to each other is vital, while communicating needs clearly and concisely makes all the difference between misery as a post-modern single, and the exhilaration that a healthy relationship produces.

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Do’s and Don’ts of Getting Mr. Right

Are you feeling disappointed because you haven’t met Mr. Right? Are you unsure on how to go about in finding Mr. Right? To help understand some don’t to getting Mr. Right and tips for getting Mr. Right, I have interviewed therapist Scott Keller, LCSW.

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Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I am Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Florida and have been facilitating therapy to children, adolescents, teenagers, and families for over ten years. I have been married for 2 1/2 years to my wife Taryn, and we are expecting our first child, a baby girl, around the end of May! My wife and I are Christians and are members of Bay Life Church in Brandon, FL. I currently work full time as a School Social Worker in Pinellas County and have started a private practice consisting of in-home therapy from a Christian foundation and a Cognitive Behavioral approach.”

What are some don’ts to getting Mr. Right?
“Don’t sacrifice your beliefs, values, morals, or ethics for any relationship. Don’t allow your life to revolve around finding Mr. Right. Don’t be deceived by what you see on television and read in magazines. Don’t expect to meet Mr. Right when you expect to meet Mr. Right! Your plan to meet your soul mate is most likely not what has already been planned for you.”

What are some dos to getting Mr. Right?
“Do learn to be less selfish. When you are single life revolves around you. Many singles I have met desperately want to meet Mr. Right but are not willing to make any sacrifices. You must be willing to serve your partner and be willing to place your wants and desires aside. Unless you are willing to love unconditionally, Mr. Right will be difficult to find. Everyone, including Mr. Right, wants to be loved unconditionally.”

What type of professional help is available for someone who is having a difficult time in getting Mr. Right?
“It can’t hurt to seek therapy. You may want to search for therapists in you area specializing in relationship counseling. If you are having trouble finding Mr. Right the common denominator is you. You may need to look at things from a new perspective, focusing on yourself and not the many easily identifiable problems of others. Therapy can help you find a new a healthy outlook.”

What last words would you like to leave for someone that is trying to get Mr. Right? “Increase your self-awareness. Be honest and be sure you fully understand the role you have played in your failed relationships. You cannot make others love you or do the things they should do. Don’t settle for someone simply because you thought you should have met Mr. Right by now. Conversely, maybe you have already met Mr. Right but you didn’t give him a chance because you didn’t fall instantly in love. True love takes time and is developed over a life time. It’s not what you see on The Bachelor, it requires continuous hardwork.”

Thank you Scott for doing the interview on the dos and don’ts of getting Mr. Right.

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Tips on Overcoming Depression in Finding Mr. Right

Are you feeling depressed because you haven’t met “Mr.Right”? Are you unsure about what you can do to overcome your feelings of depression about finding “Mr. Right”? To help understand how you could be driving yourself towards depression when it comes to finding Mr. Right and for tips on overcoming depression while searching for him, I have interviewed Psychotherapist Laurel B. Steinberg, LMHC.

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Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I am a Licensed Psychotherapist with a private practice in Manhattan’s Union Square. I earned my graduate degrees at New York University, trained in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) at the Albert Ellis Institute, and am currently finishing my doctorate in Clinical Sexology. My patients include individuals, couples and families who are seeking to improve the quality of their lives.

REBT, a particularly effective modality for treating dating disappointment, is based on the concept that people become depressed and anxious not because of life’s circumstances, but because of their evaluative beliefs about those circumstances. Identifying and then modifying irrational beliefs and their associated negative emotional and behavioral consequences is the key to restoring patients’ happiness and fulfillment.”

How does someone drive themselves towards depression when it comes to finding “Mr. Right”?
“People drive themselves towards depression because they have unrealistic expectations about the dating PROCESS. Sure, dating is great when things are going well but when romantic feelings are not reciprocated or are not reciprocated quickly enough, women (and men also) begin to evaluate the causes unrealistically, including thinking poorly about themselves. Depression and anxiety soon set in, resulting in counterproductive behaviors such as withdrawing from dating opportunities, preemptively rejecting suitors, and otherwise sabotaging the process. Fixed and irrational beliefs about how, and how quickly, one should, ought to, have to and must find true love can be replaced by a more rational philosophy. Thedating process takes time and effort, but once they learn to dispute self-defeating beliefs it can become most enjoyable, and puts them one step closer to meeting the partner of their dreams.”

What are some tips on overcoming depression in finding “Mr. Right”?
“I teach my patients to embrace the process of dating as an exciting progression, although fraught with occasional, but surmountable, challenges. It most certainly does not follow a certain time line or script. Understanding that rejection can be a gift is important; it prevents women from wasting any more time/effort on Mr. WRONG, and frees them up to meet and fall in love with someone AMAZING. Another tip is to be open-minded regarding ‘necessary’ characteristics of potential suitors, while maintaining fundamental values that are non-negotiable (such as willingness to have a child). Men are frequently deemed ‘undateable’ because of seemingly arbitrary qualities. If a person was previously married, is balding, not a sports fan or doesn’t yet earn a huge income, women will write them off, possibly missing a wonderful, loving partner. Give these ‘undateable’ men a chance. There is little harm to be done and there’s always the possibility of a match, or of making a new friend who just might have a friend named Mr. Right.”

What type of professional help is available for someone who is having a difficult time overcoming feelings of depression over finding “Mr.Right”?
“Short-term weekly psychotherapy focusing on patients’ beliefs about dating, sex and about themselves is the appropriate therapy. I have found that modifying or sometimes just tweaking unrealistic beliefs and expectations provides adequate emotional comfort to allow patients to put their new functional beliefs to the test in the dating world, quickly doing wonders for their social calendars. Everyone who walked in seeking relief from feeling undateable, unmarryable, unattractive, or unworthy of love or satisfying sex has gained renewed self confidence and has begun to date again. Many have found meaningful love, become engaged, or gotten married.”

Thank you Laurel for doing the interview on tips for overcoming depression about meeting Mr. Right.

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Mr. Right – Where Are You?

There comes a point in every girl’s life where she has to wonder, Mr. Right, where are you? I’ve looked for him in the bars. Yuck. I found Mr. Wrong at a gas station (married him but that only made him Mr. Biggest Mistake of my Life). I’ve looked at Home Depot, but only saw lots of butt cracks. Contractors, you can build me a mansion but can’t find jeans that fit and won’t reveal too much of your back side when bending over?

I’ve looked at work. I was lucky enough to work in a predominately male industry and was constantly surrounded by men. They either did not interest me, were married, too young, too stupid or just made me want to become a nun at the thought of sleeping with them. I looked in the grocery store and every other store I’ve ever been in. I even looked online. I went so far as to post a profile on a local dating website just to see what’s really out there. Within 54 seconds of my profile being posted, I got ‘winked’ at by username bob_redneck_847. No job, no interests except smoking daily and a photo that belongs on an FBI wanted poster. Really?

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So if you are single, separated, divorced or widowed and want a good man in your life, what do you do? Lots! Here is what I’ve found to work best.

Let go of those preconceived notions of Mr. Right or more accurately, Mr. Perfect. I’m sorry but he does not exist. There really is no fairy tale ending. The best marriages and long term relationshipsbecame the best through struggle, trial and error, love, determination, hard work, and often much counseling. You have to be realistic in what you are searching for – just like you are not perfect, your partner won’t be either. Holding on to a fantasy of Mr. Perfect just kept me in a bad cycle of trying to ‘change’ the guy I was with. I could see him as my Mr. Right if only he changed ‘this’ or did ‘that’ different. I wasted time trying to make him into my dream, instead of accepting him for who he really was, and simply walking away (or running very fast) if he didn’t fit.

Forget about your marital status and work on yourself. I really mean it. Have you thought about joining a women’s group to meet and connect with other women? What about taking a pole dancing class to embrace and bask in your sexuality? Do you eat right and take good care of yourself or sit at home every night with Ben and Jerry? They do not count as actual, real, living male friends by the way. Do you make the time in your life to take care of yourself the way you want a partner to take care of you? Are you the perfect partner you have been looking for? This is a much deeper question than you may realize at first. How can you expect to find a person who will treat you like a queen, if you’re not willing to do it for yourself? You must become the ‘perfect’ partner you are looking for, before the right man will ever show up.

Finally, don’t settle. When a man does come into your life don’t be afraid to let him go if he’s not really right for you. The universe will only send you what you are willing to accept. If you don’t believe you deserve better, you will never get it. I’d much rather live alone and be happy that stuck in an unhealthy relationship with the wrong man. Every man who comes into your life is a new experience. Take it for what it’s worth and then move on if necessary. This is great advice for every girl to live by, but if you still don’t believe me, just remember Home Depot is always an option where you can choose from a wide assortment of butt cracks. Happy Shopping Ladies!

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5 Things You Can Learn from Being Single

Over and over it has been said that relationships teach us a lot. We can learn from the mistakes that were made and also from the really wonderful and correct things that happened as well (don’t be shy in giving yourself credit!). The one relationship that often goes untended for is the rapport with oneself. The relationship that we have with ourselves is much more significant and has a greater impact than the external ones that receive all the attention. This is because from our internal world stems the decisions, actions and behaviors that we exhibit in our outer world and with others.

Below is a list of 5 important things that can be learned by being single:

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1. You really can do things by yourself. Household chores like doing laundry, grocery shopping and cooking are often things that couples do together. After all, you share dirty clothes and you do eat together in the same home. This creates a sense of dependence and unfortunately many of us can lose ourselves in this. During a breakup, we re-learn how to do these things on our own. It may seem difficult at first (since you’ve been so used to it being a two person job) but it is definitely not impossible and will become normal once again.

2. Healthy eating habits can still be a part of your lifestyle. Ever notice how many couples (not all, obviously) gain weight when they get together? One of the things that people share over is food and drinks. For some reason the table gives us a sense of safety when socializing and communicating. Even astronauts in space who do not need tables, have tables in order to create a comfortable and safe space to share and socialize. Being single allows us to focus in on what we really want and when we want to eat. No more asking “what are you in the mood to eat?” or having late night dessert binges just to go out and talk.

3. Rediscover your friendships and make new ones. During the honeymoon phase of relationships, our passions and emotions get so wrapped up in the other person that nobody else exists for those moments. Going out with friends automatically turns into a +1 event and sometimes we forget that we can have our own sets of friends as well. As a single person, it is much easier to go out with your friends whenever you want to. Say goodbye to having to plan around someone else’s schedule.

4. The fresh air in your lungs is refreshing. Domesticity. What a concept! Staying indoors, cuddling in bed, taking care of responsibilities, or staying in and watching a movie together instead of going out for a walk or catching up with friends. Single-hood forces us to get out of the house. Depending on the person, this may take some time, but eventually going outside of the front door is inevitable and will begin to be enjoyable again. Remember to appreciate that fresh air in your lungs and the sun that for millennia has continued to rise without fail.

5. You time! You are not your ex-significant other. You have your own interests, hobbies, friends and opinions. Long term relationships frequently have a side effect of forgetting who you are. If you have never had the time to figure out who you are as a person that stands alone, it is never too late to start.

When we all work on ourselves and get to know us a little better, the world around us seems more at peace. We understand that we do not need to be what somebody else hopes or wants us to be. We choose our battles wisely and can remove ourselves from toxic situations. Being single can be a blessing in disguise. Whether or not you choose to see it as a positive or negative circumstance is up to you. Nobody else creates your future but you.

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Online Dating Tips

Mainly this guide is for women, but men can learn from this as well.

To begin the process of online dating many things can contribute to a smooth experience. One of the first things is to secure a neutral email address. This is one that does not contain personal or vital information that can divulge anything that you do not select to tell a prospective date. As time goes by, that data can be willingly given without it being posted in your communications.

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It is a well known idea to meet in a public place for the first meeting. Before we even take this into consideration, I would like to mention a very important suggestion. Anything you know about your blind date might be put on a paper or left on the computer should anyone like to find you while you are gone. If you are aware of a street address, phone number, name and email address those things should be listed. Mention the time and date along with the place you are meeting this person. If you live with someone, give that paper to them before you go out socializing.You could also mention you are going on a date as part of a conversation with a mail person,a neighbor or someone you see or talk to everyday.

Let the waitress or waiter know you have just met the person that you are accompanying for coffee or a meal. This informs someone that this is a first meeting. This is a little added security so you don’t feel alone.

If you are on the date in a neighborhood that you are familiar with, go where you have a friend that you might bump into for a casual introduction. If possible, go where your date is familiar so you can meet someone that is known to them. We are judged by the company we keep, so that will be at least an idea of the circle of friends .

As soon as the date has ended and you are back home, inform those you told about leaving for that time, that you are back, so they will know.

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Online Dating Tips: The Don’t

Now and days, a lot of people engage themselves in online dating. They treat it as a real relationship and try to make it grow and work out. However, just like any relationship, there are things you can do that can put a damper in your relationship or end it completely. Here are three online dating tips: what not to do, for those who are in an online relationship.

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First tip of online dating, do not write your lie story out when you are chatting together. Writing too much about yourself at once may cause them to become uninterested. Answer the questions they ask and provide more details if they ask for them. In addition, show them that you are interested in getting to know them as well. For example, if they ask what kind of pets you have, let them know and then ask them the same. Once you get to know each other better and are dating more, you will end up giving each other more details without even asking, and you will both be interested. But for right now, they need to see that you can not only hold a conversation, but you can listen to them as well.

For online dating tips: what not to do, here is the second tip. This tip goes for any kind of relationship, do not ever lie to the other person. This will catch up with you sooner or later, and they will eventually find out you were lying to them. Some people like to lie about their age, marital status, employment, family, friends, and so on. Do not do this. Whether it is a big or small lie to you, a lie is a lie. You want to let your online date know that they can trust you to be honest with them. You can’t show them that you can be honest if you are lying.

The third and final tip, do not be to eager. Not only does this make you look desperate, but it can also come across as a bit scary as well. You do not have to play hard-to-get or practically ignore the other person. But do not overdo it with IMing or emailing them. Rather than IMing them right when they log on or sending them email after email, give them time to get settled online when they log online and give them time to answer your emails back. Do not push for a face-to-face meeting. Not everyone is comfortable with meeting in person so quickly, and if you push it, you may push them away. As your relationship grows, you will begin to talk more and meet in person. But do not push the chatting and meeting on them.

These online dating tips: what not to do can help you to prevent putting a damper in the relationship. This way, your online relationship can continue to grow and the both of you can be happy and comfortable with each other.

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