There are unnumerable amounts of publications out there that give tips for spouses on how to get along with their in-laws. Realistically, it’s the in-laws who should be taking advice. It’s no secret that all too often, in-laws play a major role in a couple’s decision to split. Perhaps the well-meaning in-laws are too intrusive; in some cases, they are downright hostile. You can help prevent your son or daughter from becoming a divorce statistic: Just follow these five simple rules.
Rule #1: You do not get a say.
It’s going to take some time for a parent to realize that his or her baby is someone else’s baby now. It’s time to cut the cord. Many times I hear in-laws complain that their grown child’s spouse has “taken them away from their family”. Yes, that is exactly what has happened. Your son or daughter has a new family now, and that new family trumps all previous family ties. I love to hear new in-laws exclaim that they are welcoming a new son or daughter into their family. This well-intended belief pretty much defines the problem between the in-laws and the new spouse. It insinuates that they still have jurisdiction–they don’t. You’re not gaining a new son or daughter, you’re losing the one you had. Get over it. Early into my marriage, my sister-in-law bitterly announced to my husband that he must not need her and the rest of the family anymore because all he cared about was me. I kind of thought that was the idea. Now that we are divorced, his sister has her own fiance and a baby and has no room for her family in her life. I’m sure it has still not occurred to her how selfish she was being at the beginning of my marriage.
Rule #2: Unsolicited advice is poison to a marriage.
Perhaps you’ve been married for thirty years and you think you know everything about what it takes to run a marriage. You should be congratulated, of course, but you’ve all but forgotten what it’s like when you’re first starting out. Consider how it would feel to have all of your decisions questioned by a skeptical friend or family member. That’s exactly how it feels when in-laws intrude upon a new marriage with all of their “knowledge” and “wisdom”. I had a friend whose parents tried to dictate her marriage, to the point of trying to force her and her husband to sign a “contract” stipulating what chores each spouse would complete each day, how much money each would contribute to bills, and what kinds of modifications that would be made to their house and in what time frame. The end result was that their daughter’s husband (understandably) flew into a rage and the couple didn’t speak to her parents for months. Of course they have since repaired the relationship, but some of the distance between the husband and his in-laws still exists. Trust your adult child to make his or her own mistakes, and no one will be able to blame you if the marriage fails.
Rule #3: Keep the criticism to yourself.
Maybe you think your new daughter-in-law is a slob because she doesn’t wash the dishes every night, or that your new son-in-law is lazy because he waits two weeks to mow the lawn. You have a right to your opinions–that doesn’t mean you have the right to subject others to them. A good rule of thumb is if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. You spent (hopefully no more than) 18 years teaching this concept to your child, and yet you don’t practice what you teach. If your new daughter-in-law wants to wear a tank top to church, she surely doesn’t need your input. If your new son-in-law expects your daughter to bring him his dinner every night, keep your trap shut. Therelationships that work are the relationships that follow their own guidelines. If your daughter doesn’t have a problem with her husband leaving his car parts on the living room floor, it’s not your place to step in; if your daughter comes to you for advice, tell her that she is more than capable of dealing with her own problems and you trust her to make the right decisions. It’s not “hanging your child out to dry”, it’s building their confidence–which is exactly what newlyweds need. Bad-mouthing your loved one’s spouse can do nothing but harm.
Rule #4: Give gifts unconditionally or not at all.
Sometimes in-laws will help the new couple out contributing furniture, home decor, or even vehicles. This is an excellent practice–as long as there are no conditions placed upon the couple when they accept the gifts. Some in-laws believe that if they shower gifts upon the couple, it entitles them to extra visits from the couple, more time with the grandchildren than the other set of grandparents, or even the freedom to dictate the couple’s relationships. This is not so. What happens when gifts come with stipulations is that the spouse ends up feeling like the in-laws are trying to bribe the couple into relinquishing control; and may even end up harboring resentment. If you feel you must contribute gifts to the new couple, give freely–you’ll find that gratitude is given freely as well.
Rule #5: Distance yourself from your grown child’s marital problems.
You are not a licensed marriage counselor. Even if you are, you are not exactly in a position to be objective. Too many times, newlyweds will seek advice or mediation from their parents. This should be wholeheartedly discouraged. If the couple comes to you with their problems, point them to the nearest preacher or marriage counselor. Don’t attempt to solve their marital woes yourself. Chances are, your advice will only make things worse. Remind your grown children that they are grown and should be able to handle their problems on their own (or with the help of someone who has a degree and years of experience in such matters). This rule is sometimes the hardest to follow, particularly in cases where the daughter or son’s spouse is physically or emotionally abusive, withdrawn, or develops an addiction. There is no “time to step in.” In these cases, you might think you can “talk some sense” into your son or daughter, or even their spouse. In nearly all cases, the things you say or do are not going to matter. Short of dragging your son or daughter out of the relationship by his or her hair and chaining him or her to your living room floor, nothing you do is going to make a difference. The best chance you have is prayer and the hope that you raised your child to believe that he or she deserves a better life and he or she will come around on his or her own before any real harm is done. This is not to say that you should not provide a safe haven for your son or daughter if they are clearly in danger and willingly come to you for help, do what you can to protect him or her. Keep in mind, however, that if (God forbid) there comes a time when charges must be filed, your son or daughter must consent to it. If you try to go to the police by yourself, they will not be able to help you.
You might think that, as the parent, you have some kind of authority over your son or daughter and whomever might come into their life. Your son or daughter may be willing to indulge you (for selfish reasons). Anyone who is not willing to defend their spouse, even against their own parents, is dooming that marriage to failure. Additionally, whose doorstep do you think your son or daughter will end up on when the couple separates? I hear so many parents lamenting because their newly divorced son or daughter has ended up moving back in with them. If you even have a slight hand in the failed marriage then you, too, must face the consequences. Teach your grown child to be independent and encourage him or her to make the marriage work and you’ll never have to worry about relinquishing your newly decorated office/guest room to him or her. Help build confidence in your son or daughter’s own ability to manage his or her own life. And for goodness sake, leave the spouse alone! Chances are, however badly you think your son or daughter is being treated, the spouse is being treated at least equally so. Make it your goal not to exacerbate the problem.
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