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Mistrust in a Relationship

The husband gets off work and heads to the bar. There he meets a beautiful woman that he finds very attractive. The two talk and flirt for several hours. They exchange numbers and the man slips it into his wallet, for safe keeping. The next day, his wife is washing his laundry and finds the wallet in his pants pocket, along with the mysterious phone number. How many times have we seen orheard of this happening in today’s society? Commitment in relationships today does not hold the same weight as it did in the past. This type of behavior leads to mistrust in a relationship, causing a spiral effect on the rest ofones life. Mistrust is caused by doubt, insecurities of the past, and deception.

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The husband gets off work and heads to the bar. There he meets a beautiful woman that he finds very attractive. The two talk and flirt for several hours. They exchange numbers and the man slips it into his wallet, for safe keeping. The next day, his wife is washing his laundry and finds the wallet in his pants pocket, along with the mysterious phone number. How many times have we seen or heard of this happening in today’s society? Commitment in relationships today does not hold the same weight as it did in the past. This type of behavior leads to mistrust in a relationship, causing a spiral effect on the rest of ones life. Mistrust is caused by doubt, insecurities of the past, and deception.

First, we will evaluate what trust really is. According to the article “Trust in Relationship”, it states, “Trust is having the confidence in your judgment to trust yourself, to trust your partner” (Washington1). Confidence in making a decision to trust someone is purely done by experience. If someone does what they say they are going to do, over a period of time, one becomes trusting of that person. So in short, trust is integrity in any giving situation.

Furthermore, in order for one not to trust, there must be basis for that mistrust. This is when doubt comes into play. A bad experience can make one doubt whether one can trust a situation. The husband telling the wife the number she found is just a friend and then finding out differently is a bad experience. Making the wife doubt anything else he might say. This reaction leads the wife to mistrust the husband and question him, doubt his integrity, and be suspicious of the time the husband spends away from home. What are the chances of this relationship surviving?

Next, we will cover mistrust due to lack of experience. Imagine being a laborer and walking into a conference room full of business men. Would one believe everything they said to them? Chances are one would not. This comes from not knowing what is entailed in that line of work. So not knowing about something would bring trust issues into play. Does one know that the business men are telling the truth? Not until they are experienced in the line in which they are speaking.

Next, these doubts that are, brought on by mistrust, due to bad experiences bring insecurities. It is normal for people to think of past experiences when events in the present happen. If the past experience created negative results, the person experiencing the event would think negative about the present situation and vice versa. The problem arises when the past experience that one has encountered is with someone different than the one they are dealing with in the present. Example, if the wife from earlier was in a previous relationship that the other partner had a history of cheating this would send up red flags to the wife and make her mistrust any explanation the husband may give. These feelings are brought on by the insecurities of the past experiences.

Insecurities build walls around people’s worlds. This is a protect mechanism built in by the human psyche to prevent events from painful experiences from reoccurring thus, protecting them from further pain. According to the article, “How to Build Trust in Your Relationship”, it states, “The green monster, jealousy, tends to rear its ugly head and threaten trust when couples don’t set boundaries with those outside their marriage” (Di Megilo1). So it is not wise to carry harsh past experiences into future relationships. Setting boundaries of appropriate behavior in the beginning would allow a health new relationship to flourish.

A person cannot carry insecurity from the past into a new relationship and expect the new relationship to survive. Experts say that this is why they suggest a healing period between relationships to get over these insecurities from past relationships. This give a person time to heal and understand that just because one person was a bad apple doesn’t mean that all people are that way. The important thing is that people don’t automatically judge people they meet by what someone else did to them in the past. Everyone deserves the chance to earn their own trust.

Lastly, deception plays a major role in mistrust. Does the little boy who cried wolf ring a bell? Deception is lying at its best. When someone knows that they are being deceptive, they are keeping the truth from the ones they care about. They twist the reality of the situation into something that better suits their preferences. The husband saying he never stops at the bar on the way home, much less has time to meet other women, is a deception. Lies and deception are extremely damaging to a relationship. Relationships should be based on honesty, understanding and acceptance. If a couple accepts their partner for who they are, honesty and understanding fall into place with out any doubts or need for deception.

Deception is usually the first step to breaking trust in a relationship and develops insecurities and doubt. All of these emotions and actions are destructive. If the man was secure in his relationship with the woman and trusted her, would he not expect the same treatment back? This would eliminate the over compensating reasoning that he would give. Correct? On the other side, if the woman trusted her man completely would she not support him in his difficult time?

Therefore, relationship problems mostly start with trust issues, either brought on by people’s own past experiences, or problems they have encountered in their current relationship. From this, what kind of relationship do you have at all if you do not trust, or even question, the one you are with? How is a healthy relationship supposed to grow if you put arsenic in it?

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Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

Rebuilding trust after an affair can seem an almost impossible thing, but it is not an insurmountable task. There are ways to recover from infidelity, but it will take efforts from both sides of the relationship. Have no illusions, it will take time, effort, and probably a good couple of arguments along the way, but you can do it. A relationship is like a home, while it is invigorating and exciting to have and discover at first, you quickly realize there is much more work involved to it than first meets the eye. Here are several ways you and your partner can rebuild trust after infidelity.

Be Proactive

No matter which side of the affair you are on, once the fact is out there and in the open, don’t just sit back and expect the healing to begin. Be proactive to start the recovery process. If you are the cheater, then make sure you begin by informing your partner regarding your current activities, where you are, where you’ve been, whom you were with. By being open and honest, this will begin the healing and trust rebuilding with the one you love.

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One the other side of the coin, if you are the one whose has been cheated upon and if you really want to make this relationship work, try to begin moving past this immediately. After you’ve both expressed your feelings and have everything out in the open, it’s time to focus on the future and where you want your relationship to go. Harping upon and continually bringing up the fact that your partner cheated will only reopen old wounds and be a source of continued anger and mistrust. While it won’t be easy, try to bite your tongue when it feels like it is loosening on the subject. Whether the unfaithful party feels guilty or not regarding what they’ve done, your continual reminders probably won’t change their feelings, and will only make them angry and less likely to be open and honest with you in the future.

Look at Yourself

While it is typical for the one being cheated upon to be angry with the cheater, it might be time to take a look at why did what they did. Are there things, either emotionally or physically that you might be able to improve upon to strengthen your relationship moving forward. That’s not to say you should blame yourself for your partner’s infidelities, but you might be able to help them to keep from straying in the future by modifying your behavior.

Things Won’t Be the Same

Realize that things won’t ever be exactly as they were. No matter how much you try to forgive and forget, the fact that your partner cheated will always be there in the back of your mind however deep you try to bury it under the strength of love and healing. This doesn’t mean you should treat each other any differently outwardly, but as with many twists and turns in the roads of relationships, this is yet another bend in the road that you must navigate. Your relationship now, is probably much different from when you first met due to your experiences together. Just think of this experience as one of the many building blocks, both good and bad, that have formed your relationship tower.

Disclaimer:

This article is for informational purposes only. The author is not a licensed psychologist, therapist or relationship advisor. Any action taken by the reader due to the information provided in this article is at the reader’s discretion.

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Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage Damaged by Infidelities

Rebuilding trust in a marriage damaged by infidelities is very difficult. It will take time to sort out all of the feelings and emotional pain associated with this type of betrayal. Perhaps one spouse cheated, and the other decided to punish them by having their own affair. Then again, they could both have been having an affair and somehow, it all came to the surface. Regardless, trust is very hard to get back once it has been violated.

Outsiders looking in may consider the marriage doomed, and that they probably shouldn’t have married in the first place, since neither of them seemed capable of a monogamous relationship. However, outsiders cannot see into the heart, and what is in the heart will determine whether or not the trust can be rebuilt.

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When it comes to the painful emotions associated with infidelity, heated arguments and discussions will ultimately ensue and are very necessary in order to release emotion and clear the air. Counseling is a good way to deal with these issues on a more mature level, but it has to be done whether it’s in a controlled environment, or outright shouting and fighting. Feelings need to be aired before forgiveness can be considered and trust can begin to rebuild.

When the couple reaches the point where everything that can be said has been said, and both have expressed their feelings, they move into a phase of guilt and uncertainty. The memories of what they once meant to one another flood in. The things they had planned together and the dreams they once shared are circling the drain. This is the time for a rational and honest discussion about how they feel towards each other, and what they each really want.

From this point on, if the couple realizes how close they came to terminating their relationship for good, and each of them sincerely wants a monogamous relationship, they can work toward rebuilding the trust. It will take time. They will face situations where one questions the other when they’re late for no apparent reason. Tempers will flare and painful memories will resurface. These are the consequences associated with infidelity, and they will pass as the trust builds.

Therefore, to rebuild trust in a marriage damaged by infidelities, the air must be cleared and painful emotion has to be released. Each will have to come to grips with what they have done and decide whether or not the marriage is worth saving. If they get to that phase and realize that it is worth saving, then yes, with time, trust can be rebuilt in a marriage damaged by infidelities.

If you’re suffering a marriage damaged by infidelity, counseling is very effective in helping couples come to terms with the situation. If you’re a Christian, remember that Jesus is The Mighty Counselor. Once we turn away from the sin and repent, he is quick to forgive and able to heal your wounds.

If you’re not a Christian, Jesus stands at the door of your heart.

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. (Rev. 3:20)

Let him in. He wants to help you.

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How to Be a Good In-Law

There are unnumerable amounts of publications out there that give tips for spouses on how to get along with their in-laws. Realistically, it’s the in-laws who should be taking advice. It’s no secret that all too often, in-laws play a major role in a couple’s decision to split. Perhaps the well-meaning in-laws are too intrusive; in some cases, they are downright hostile. You can help prevent your son or daughter from becoming a divorce statistic: Just follow these five simple rules.

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Rule #1: You do not get a say.

It’s going to take some time for a parent to realize that his or her baby is someone else’s baby now. It’s time to cut the cord. Many times I hear in-laws complain that their grown child’s spouse has “taken them away from their family”. Yes, that is exactly what has happened. Your son or daughter has a new family now, and that new family trumps all previous family ties. I love to hear new in-laws exclaim that they are welcoming a new son or daughter into their family. This well-intended belief pretty much defines the problem between the in-laws and the new spouse. It insinuates that they still have jurisdiction–they don’t. You’re not gaining a new son or daughter, you’re losing the one you had. Get over it. Early into my marriage, my sister-in-law bitterly announced to my husband that he must not need her and the rest of the family anymore because all he cared about was me. I kind of thought that was the idea. Now that we are divorced, his sister has her own fiance and a baby and has no room for her family in her life. I’m sure it has still not occurred to her how selfish she was being at the beginning of my marriage.

Rule #2: Unsolicited advice is poison to a marriage.

Perhaps you’ve been married for thirty years and you think you know everything about what it takes to run a marriage. You should be congratulated, of course, but you’ve all but forgotten what it’s like when you’re first starting out. Consider how it would feel to have all of your decisions questioned by a skeptical friend or family member. That’s exactly how it feels when in-laws intrude upon a new marriage with all of their “knowledge” and “wisdom”. I had a friend whose parents tried to dictate her marriage, to the point of trying to force her and her husband to sign a “contract” stipulating what chores each spouse would complete each day, how much money each would contribute to bills, and what kinds of modifications that would be made to their house and in what time frame. The end result was that their daughter’s husband (understandably) flew into a rage and the couple didn’t speak to her parents for months. Of course they have since repaired the relationship, but some of the distance between the husband and his in-laws still exists. Trust your adult child to make his or her own mistakes, and no one will be able to blame you if the marriage fails.

Rule #3: Keep the criticism to yourself.

Maybe you think your new daughter-in-law is a slob because she doesn’t wash the dishes every night, or that your new son-in-law is lazy because he waits two weeks to mow the lawn. You have a right to your opinions–that doesn’t mean you have the right to subject others to them. A good rule of thumb is if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. You spent (hopefully no more than) 18 years teaching this concept to your child, and yet you don’t practice what you teach. If your new daughter-in-law wants to wear a tank top to church, she surely doesn’t need your input. If your new son-in-law expects your daughter to bring him his dinner every night, keep your trap shut. Therelationships that work are the relationships that follow their own guidelines. If your daughter doesn’t have a problem with her husband leaving his car parts on the living room floor, it’s not your place to step in; if your daughter comes to you for advice, tell her that she is more than capable of dealing with her own problems and you trust her to make the right decisions. It’s not “hanging your child out to dry”, it’s building their confidence–which is exactly what newlyweds need. Bad-mouthing your loved one’s spouse can do nothing but harm.

Rule #4: Give gifts unconditionally or not at all.

Sometimes in-laws will help the new couple out contributing furniture, home decor, or even vehicles. This is an excellent practice–as long as there are no conditions placed upon the couple when they accept the gifts. Some in-laws believe that if they shower gifts upon the couple, it entitles them to extra visits from the couple, more time with the grandchildren than the other set of grandparents, or even the freedom to dictate the couple’s relationships. This is not so. What happens when gifts come with stipulations is that the spouse ends up feeling like the in-laws are trying to bribe the couple into relinquishing control; and may even end up harboring resentment. If you feel you must contribute gifts to the new couple, give freely–you’ll find that gratitude is given freely as well.

Rule #5: Distance yourself from your grown child’s marital problems.

You are not a licensed marriage counselor. Even if you are, you are not exactly in a position to be objective. Too many times, newlyweds will seek advice or mediation from their parents. This should be wholeheartedly discouraged. If the couple comes to you with their problems, point them to the nearest preacher or marriage counselor. Don’t attempt to solve their marital woes yourself. Chances are, your advice will only make things worse. Remind your grown children that they are grown and should be able to handle their problems on their own (or with the help of someone who has a degree and years of experience in such matters). This rule is sometimes the hardest to follow, particularly in cases where the daughter or son’s spouse is physically or emotionally abusive, withdrawn, or develops an addiction. There is no “time to step in.” In these cases, you might think you can “talk some sense” into your son or daughter, or even their spouse. In nearly all cases, the things you say or do are not going to matter. Short of dragging your son or daughter out of the relationship by his or her hair and chaining him or her to your living room floor, nothing you do is going to make a difference. The best chance you have is prayer and the hope that you raised your child to believe that he or she deserves a better life and he or she will come around on his or her own before any real harm is done. This is not to say that you should not provide a safe haven for your son or daughter if they are clearly in danger and willingly come to you for help, do what you can to protect him or her. Keep in mind, however, that if (God forbid) there comes a time when charges must be filed, your son or daughter must consent to it. If you try to go to the police by yourself, they will not be able to help you.

You might think that, as the parent, you have some kind of authority over your son or daughter and whomever might come into their life. Your son or daughter may be willing to indulge you (for selfish reasons). Anyone who is not willing to defend their spouse, even against their own parents, is dooming that marriage to failure. Additionally, whose doorstep do you think your son or daughter will end up on when the couple separates? I hear so many parents lamenting because their newly divorced son or daughter has ended up moving back in with them. If you even have a slight hand in the failed marriage then you, too, must face the consequences. Teach your grown child to be independent and encourage him or her to make the marriage work and you’ll never have to worry about relinquishing your newly decorated office/guest room to him or her. Help build confidence in your son or daughter’s own ability to manage his or her own life. And for goodness sake, leave the spouse alone! Chances are, however badly you think your son or daughter is being treated, the spouse is being treated at least equally so. Make it your goal not to exacerbate the problem.

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Parental Secrets: The Key to Parental Control Setting and How to Get Respect

Couples usually know before their child is even born the way both the man and woman, separately and together, are going to act when it comes to parental control setting and how to get respect from their son or daughter as they grow older. In fact, it is not uncommon for the couple to even joke about it , or even be proud of their respective stances on rules and punishment. Occasionally, both parents will hold the same values and standards when it comes to parental control setting and learning how to get respect, but more often than not, probably due to their individual upbringing, the mom and dad will choose to handle issues differently and from the beginning the couple and probably everyone else that is close to them in their lives can delineate clearly which one of them is going to be the stickler for the rules and which one will be a slight pushover. It is quite obvious which parent will spoil the kid rotten and which one will carefully pay attention to the future consequences before showering the kid with unending attention. Parental control setting. It can be complicated.

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This diversity between the mom and dad is only to be expected, and is okay to joke around about during pregnancy of in the very early stages of the child’s development if done lightly and somewhat in jest. But it is extremely important that as the son or daughter grows older and older, this difference in discipline standards and parental control setting becomes a less apparent dichotomy. If it does not cease to be blatantly different between mom and dad, it opens the door for the child to manipulate the parents, especially during the teenage years when getting what one wants is crucial to a good social life. Additionally, it can cause strain between the parents, which can lend to an undertone of animosity in the relationship and frequent altercations. Furthermore, these ensuing arguments more often than not occur right in front of the kid(s)- maybe even about the kids- and for obvious reasons, that is not healthy for a developing child to get used to being around.

Kids are going to go their own ways sooner or later and many times, due to influences away from home, what the parents do at home, the level of strictness they exude in their parental control setting, ends up doing little once the kid is influenced by the world outside the family. However, their home life and the parental controls they experience does at least matter a little bit and parents should do whatever they can to make that little bit count. For if that little bit of conditioning form the family assumes a strong and stable force in the child’s life and frame of thinking, the chances that a newly independent, un-chaperoned young adult will maintain good values and make proper smart decisions on their own is more likely.

Subsequently, both the mother and father need to build up credibility through efficient parental control setting so that in their son or daughter’s eyes, both parents are independent and also operating together as a unit. This is a notion that couples tend to easily forget to work on , and granted it’s quite difficult and intimidating to constantly practice- but it is a strategy that if done correctly, can subtly aid in shaping the child’s successful future the way the parents so desire in an immense way. For if the child sees his or her parents as authoritatively qualified and truly values what it is that they say to them, when they are out in the world (the child) facing their own decisions, there is less of a chance that they will feel the need to rebel, as many young adults do, and be more apt to use the lessons the parents taught them, as a natural response because it was exposed to them with such a stable force through careful parental control setting.

So how do parents earn credibility in their child’s eyes and establish ideal parental control settings? What are the parental secrets out there? When it comes to the issue of how to get respect and develop a strong parental control setting, there are many different methods, each unique to every family out there. Surely there are plenty of parental secrets about how to get respect that we can’t even fathom at the time being. But whether you decide to implement other parental control settings you discover through your friends’ parental secrets, this one is the root of all stable family relationships and should be used first and foremost, at least as a trial run to see if it works, whether other methods are used alongside of it or not.

The solution to the question of how to get respect as mom and dad and how to develop a constructive parental control setting is simple: The parental secret is simply that the mom and dad must operate as a like minded team while in front of the child or children. This is tough, and easy to neglect, but is a real great way to strengthen a family bond and develop trust among all family members. Many couples, as mentioned previously, allow it to be way too clear to the child that , say one is lenient and one is strict, and that when it comes to setting rules for the kid they often struggle to come to a mutual decision. While it’s hard to avoid, couples really should try to display themselves as more on the same level because kids will see their parents weaknesses and they eat it up. They know who to go to for what and they certainly use the knowledge liberally. Furthermore, whether it’s something stored in their subconscious mind or not, it is very likely impressed upon them that their parent or parents both are passive or passive-aggressive in their communication techniques and the reaction that most people have when constantly experiencing this (passive) behavior in someone they care about is that they often pity the needy, weak person and lose a little respect for them that they can’t stick up for themselves. Again, at a young age the child might not realize that this impression is imprinting in his brain, but psychological experiments and real life stories from current mental patients pretty much have proven that the information still sinks in and carries itself into the future in the child’s subconscious mind.

This important parental secret is not suggesting that the mother or father change their outlooks on life and on discipline and on the entire parental control setting, but it simply requires the disagreements to be discussed and worked out behind the scenes rather than right in front of the child. It may be a really difficult task for you and your child’s other parent to come to conclusions on important parental matters involving the discipline or lack of in regards to the son or daughter, but just like any disagreement you’ve had as a couple along the way, you find a way to work it out through some sort of discussion most likely. If that were not the case, you wouldn’t still be together and in the rare case that you are not together, but simply operate as friends, once lovers, who happened to share a child, you wouldn’t have been able to make it through the pregnancy stages and the early childhood without one of you becoming frustrated and doing something drastic like taking off. So the parental secret has proven to be possible. You’ve shown each other that despite your differing views on things, you can and will always come to some sort of compromise. Therefore when it comes to making decisions, specifically related to what the young adult can do and not do (i.e. date) the parents would be best off discussing their individual views in a separate room and coming to a mutual agreement before telling the child their answer. It cannot be stressed how important this is when it comes to how to gain respect from your children and develop a high level of credibility. Sticking to this technique is beneficial in many ways. One, the child grows up with consistency. With every tough decision, it is routine and expected for the parents to talk it over and then present him or her with an answer as a team. This consistency shows stability and good family bond and values, not to mention respect toward mom and dad together and also toward the child, as they are actually taking the time to discuss the matter rather than blurting out a no you cant go to the movies with brian or whatever the situation might call for. Ultimately, the child gets conditioned to see parents working together in a cordial manner as a standard for the basic family practices and will hopefully take those values along with them as they grow up and even further down the road when they get married and/or have kids of their own.

And a consequence of greater importance when it comes to using this method when learning how to get respect from a child through parental control settings, is that the child will rarely, if ever, experience the parents fighting with one another. So many parents today find it simply too much of an effort (and granted, it must be terribly difficult) to postpone a fight until the two of them are out of kids earshot especially when it begins with underhanded, subtle comments of hostility or facial expressions and sighs that reek of annoyance and condescending haughtiness. But aside from the public fighting to be a bad environment for the kid to be in for the obvious reasons, it also weakens the entire family unit and likely results in an involuntary lack of trust and respect from the child toward one or both parents. And when that respect is gone, this is when the child might be more likely to go astray and rebel. For if mom and dad show weakness and a lack of credibility from the beginning, the child, when approaching young adulthood is not going to take very seriously their warnings, casual lectures and attempts to portray genuine concern over their well being because, well, they’ve lost some respect for the parents over the years and it may take a long time and a lot of roller coaster experiences to repair this deficit.

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The Dip Method: How to Maintain, Better, and Even Terminate Your Relationship

I was talking to my friends the other day and we were talking about relationships. Some people stay inrelationships too long. Some people can’t stay in a relationship. Other people don’t even like titles like boyfriend or girlfriend. So I came up with a crazy method to combat lacking relationships.

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When most people break up, they want it to be a painless act. When people get their feelings involved, it’s always hard. I had to come up with a way to make sure that if your girlfriend or boyfriend wasn’t up to par, you could break up feeling better about yourself.

First, let people know up front that if you ever needed to leave them for a good reason, you would. Never be in a position, place, or situation where you can’t get out of it if you need to. Most people let so much in the course of a relationship that when they need to break up, they can’t. People have to love people logically.

Second, you have to set up the way you want to be treated and the way you are going to treat others immediately. Most people don’t speak and get walked over constantly. If people can’t dog you, then they’ll show you a certain level of respect. When you let people have some control over you, they will use it to make you feel like you need them and can’t live without them. Standing on your own to feet at all times makes you more in control of your feelings.

Thirdly, people will do what you know and expect of them. Some people cheat and their mates expect them to be sorry, promising never to do it again. Some people can do that. Most people can’t though. Some people overlook a lot of things and let it slide. We know some people are no good. We know some people are trust-worthy. You must expect people to be everything they are.

How you will feel or how bad a breakup will be can’t be determined but if you set up the right ground work, build yourself so that you can be crazy in love and still level headed, you put yourself in a great position of power.

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How to Build Trust in a Relationship

Trust is that deep sense you have that your partner has your best interest at heart. Trust is crucial to the wellbeing of your relationship. With trust as the basis of your relationship, anything is possible. Without trust your relationship is unlikely to survive long. Below are top tips on building trust in your relationship. Since trust in a relationship must be tended to on an ongoing basis, you should use these tips not just to build trust but also to maintain it once it’s established.

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For your partner to trust you requires her to take a leap of faith. Once she does, you must follow up with constant reinforcement to prove her trust in you is not misplaced. For our purposes we’ll assumeshe is worthy of your trust. If not, that would be the subject of a completely different article.

Risa Davis-Ganel is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Maryland, and also happens to be my wife. In her work with couples, every day Risa encounters cases where relationships are in breakdown. A major part of the therapy process is helping these couples recover the trust and relatedness they’ve lost. I spoke with Risa about trust in a relationship. The names below are made up, but their stories illustrate how easily trust can be lost.

Top tip #1 to build trust in relationships: don’t lie to your partner

This seems like a no-brainer, but it turns out to be much harder to follow than you’d expect. People have many reasons to lie, and find many ways to justify their lying. “It was just a white lie” or “she isn’t always truthful either” can be two examples. Being caught in a lie is a trust-killer. Be truthful even when it’s uncomfortable and you’ll avoid this pitfall.

Jack and Molly’s relationship suffered a major setback when Molly found out Jack lied to her. He was supposed to do the couple’s shopping, but said he couldn’t because he had to go in to work. Molly saw him at a book store sipping coffee and reading. Jack was there alone, but Molly is now afraid she can’t trust him to tell her the truth about anything.

Top tip #2 to build trust in relationships: be trustworthy in your words and actions

Perhaps you find yourself constantly late to dates with your partner. Your partner may feel this means the relationship is not a priority for you. No matter how many times you say that your tardiness just shows poor time management, each time it happens, you have a harder time convincing her.

In situations like this you need to reflect on why you’re always late. If it’s a matter of carelessness, start caring. If it’s losing yourself in the task at hand, set an alarm. If it’s a deeper reason, perhaps it’s time to seek help for your relationship.

In a relationship you want to enhance trust and support it at every turn. By telling your partner what you will do and then doing it you reassure her that you can be trusted.

Top tip #3 to build trust in relationships: be honest about your emotions

People in relationships value comfort and security in the relationship. In the short term this could cause you to hide dissatisfaction from your partner. Don’t do this as you’ll be setting yourself and your partner up for problems down the line.

“If your partner asks if you’re OK with something and you’re not, say so” says Risa. “If you hide it, you may become resentful, causing bigger problems later on. If your partner can’t trust what you tell him, how can he trust you?”

Kevin and Sarah are rebuilding their trust in each other. Kevin says Sarah wasn’t straight with him when he asked if she minded his spending time with his buddies watching football on TV. Whenever he’d go out for an evening with the guys, he says, he’d come home to the silent treatment.

Sarah is struggling to be honest with Kevin about how she feels. She doesn’t want to come between him and his friends, but she’s afraid that when Kevin spends his “fun” time with friends, their own relationship loses out.

Once Sarah expressed her emotions honestly they were able to come up with a solution. They began scheduled dates with each other again to liven up their routine. Fun is not a zero-sum game. Kevin can have fun with his buddies as well as with his wife.

Top tip #4 to build trust in relationships: trust your partner

As mentioned above, we’re assuming your partner is worthy of your trust. This being the case, trust her. Don’t let jealousy drive you to spy on her, expecting to catch her out. If you do you’ll begin misconstruing innocent things she says, does, doesn’t say, or doesn’t do as proof she’s not trustworthy. You’ll drive yourself crazy with doubt over the relationship, ultimately sabotaging it.

Even if you never make a comment about something you aren’t supposed to know, and never get caught where you aren’t supposed to be, your distrust of her will color how you relate and the relationship will suffer. Communicate by word and deed that you trust her, especially after an argument, as that’s when the relationship is most at risk.

Top tip #5 to build trust in relationships: make sure your partner always knows how much you care about him and his happiness

A part of trust in a relationship is trust in its future. Each of us needs to receive messages from our partner that we’re doing OK in the relationship. If you no longer send these messages, be it by preparing his favorite food, or watching with him that silly science fiction series he loves, you may inadvertently push him away.

In your relationship, constantly communicate your love for each other and your commitment to the relationship. This will help you through life’s rough patches as each of you will know you can lean on the other when you’re down.

Top tip #6 to build trust in relationships: know what’s important to your partner and support those things

When she sees you as a true partner in the things most important in her life, your partner will trust you more readily. This applies to issues outside your relationship as well as to the relationship itself. Each of you should be the other’s greatest fan and cheerleader. Make sure she knows you care about her happiness and how far you’d go to help her achieve her goals and dreams.

When Risa opened her private practice there were setbacks as happens with any new practice. I knew how important this was for her, as well as for us as a couple. I constantly reminded her how great a therapist she is, and how much of a difference she makes in her clients’ lives. I reassured her that we would get through the setbacks and things would work out. This gave Risa the space to trust herself and take the risks needed to grow her practice. As a result, her practice developed twice as quickly as expected, and our relationship was strengthened.

Top tip #7 to build trust in relationships: don’t bring up old hurts to bash your partner

“Once an issue has been resolved, let it be” Risa says. “Don’t reopen old wounds just to score points in an argument. How you fight with each other is one of the predictors of the expected longevity of your relationship.”

Sam seems to constantly bring up the time Dave put her down in front of his family. It was a holiday meal and he’d had a little too much to drink. Although Dave apologized afterwards many times, and has done everything he can to show her how much he appreciates and loves her, it seems that each argument they have brings out the old hurt. If Sam doesn’t stop using this as a weapon in their spats, it threatens their relationship.

All relationships have ups and downs. When you have a disagreement, don’t stonewall your partner. Let him know what’s hurting you. When you do talk, don’t use sarcasm and name calling. If you can come out of a fight with neither of you feeling you’ve been mauled by the other emotionally, your relationship is likely to endure.

Top tip #8 to build trust in relationships: be consistent

Always look at how your actions and words may affect your partner. When you change course in something significant, discuss it ahead of time. This will help your partner anticipate the changes and maintain an even keel in the relationship.

If you change your mind from day to day about what’s important to you, you’ll make your partner question what’s going on, undermining his trust in you. He’ll find himself constantly wondering and never feeling stable.

Top tip #9 to build trust in relationships: be willing to work with your partner on problems in the relationship

Problems come up in every relationship. It could be you see things differently about raising your children or how to manage your money. Your interests may develop in diverging directions. Even wounds left by a previous relationship can rear their ugly head.

Whatever your particular issue, don’t sweep it under the carpet. Dealing with issues together will enhance the trust each of you feels for the other. Risa suggests that “as a couple, you should strive to create an atmosphere where either one of you is able to bring up whatever issue is troubling you. Be open to hearing and working on the problem, whatever it is.”

If you’re willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours as you hash out the problem, your relationship will prosper and your partner will trust that you’re committed to her and to the relationship.

Top tip #10 to build trust in relationships: what to do when you’ve blown it

We’re all human and make mistakes. When you make yours, be they big or small, you need to mend fences. Acknowledge to your partner what you’ve done. Show him you know what the impact on him was. Apologize and repair the damage you’ve done as much as possible. If you’ve taken something, give it back. If you’ve said something negative about him to a friend, go back and explain that you said it in the heat of the moment and did not mean it.

Risa calls this process the 3 R’s: “Recognize the wrong you’ve done. Take responsibility for the damage you’ve caused. Repair the damage as much as possible.” Above all, don’t undermine a sincere apology with an excuse.

Once you’ve mended your fences, go back to the above list and start over. Trust is easy to lose but much harder to rebuild. You have your work cut out to regain his trust. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be back on track. Trust is part of the foundation of any relationship so don’t wait too long before you do what it takes to restore it.

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How to Regain Broken Trust

Trust is a difficult thing to gain and once you lose it, some say it is impossible to regain. While lies, betrayal and broken promises are painful, they don’t always have to be the end of a relationship. There may be some situations where broken trust simply cannot be regained. If the betrayal was too large or the betrayed person unwilling to forgive, nothing you can do will ever make up for it.

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The wounds we gain from being hurt by those that we love, admire and trust run deep and they are not easy to get over. These wounds sometimes shake the very foundation upon which a relationship was built and threaten to destroy the relationship forever. However, there are some situations both in personal and professional relationships where you may be able to regain the trust you have lost due to a poor decision or action. So, how can you regain broken trust?

Rebuilding Trust

The first thing you need to know about rebuilding trust is that you cannot change or “fix” the other person. You can’t make them feel a certain way about you or force them to see things your way. They may be going through something in their lives that makes it more difficult for them to give you a second chance or their wounds from your betrayal may be so strong that they are not ready to forgive and forget. Patience will go a long way if you are serious about regaining their trust.

One of your first steps will be to learn why you lost the trust of the person in the first place. You can then take the proper steps to prevent this from happening again. Don’t waste time trying to over explain or justify why you did what you did to lose the trust. Instead you have to focus on the future and changing the way they feel about your credibility.

Here are some tips:

Apologize – Offer an apology as soon after the offense as possible. Be sincere with your apology.

Increase your credibility- Are you dependable? Do you do what you say you will do?

Don’t break promises – It’s important to remember not to make promises that you will not be able to keep as this will make you appear untrustworthy.

Listen- Sometimes the best thing you can do is shut your mouth and listen to the other person. This shows that you care about their opinions and feelings.

Empathize- You need to truly try to understand what the other person is feeling. Put yourself in their shoes and try to feel how they feel. This will help you gain trust with the other party.

Provide restitution- In some situations, in may be helpful to provide some sort of restitution to the victim to help regain their trust. While it won’t make up for what was lost, it does show your willingness to make things right again and this can go a long way in rebuilding trust.

Communicate openly and accurately- Always say what you mean and make sure you keep the communication open in the relationship.

Establish consistency and reliability- As you build your reliability and maintain consistent in your actions, it will become easier to trust you. Forgiving and Learning to Trust Again

What if you were on the receiving end of the mistrust and someone is trying to regain your trust? The betrayal of broken trust is a painful thing and it’s not easy to just forgive and begin to trust again. However, it is possible.

If you are in a situation where someone you love or care about has lost your trust and they want the opportunity to regain it, what can you do to help? As we said before, it takes the work of both parties for trust to be rebuilt. If you make the decision to try to trust again, you have to stick by that decision.

Be willing to work on rebuilding trust- You must be willing to work on the relationship. If you are not willing to do this, you should let the other person know right up front.

Don’t throw past events back at them. – If you say you have forgiven, it’s unfair to bring up past mistakes and tease or taunt the person. Let the past stay where it belongs.

Don’t threaten. – Threats and warnings such as “if you ever do this again…” or “you’re lucky I’m giving you another chance…” will not help the relationship. Be open about what you expect from them but in a simple and honest way.

Avoid ultimatums. – Avoid ultimatums such as “Change now or lose me forever!” However, you should be open and honest about your limits. For example, you may explain, “I was very hurt by your actions and it may take me time to heal from this

Communicate- It’s very important that you communicate properly with the person you are working to trust again. Listen carefully when they talk to you and be willing to share your feelings and emotions as well.

Reaffirm commitment to the relationship- You both need to reaffirm your commitment to the relationship and the desire to overcome the incident that led to the mistrust.

Be patient- Allow the person time to reconcile and prove themselves trustworthy again. This is a process that will not happen over night and may actually take a long time to regain completely. Remember that regaining trust is a healing process. You shouldn’t expect things to get better quickly. It will take time and effort on the part of both parties if you hope to carry on a healthy relationship and learn to trust again.

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Healing Broken Trust in Your Relationship

A lack of trust can be death a relationship but what can you do when your partner has damaged your trust but you made an agreement to stay and work it out? This can be a difficult experience to go through but if you care about your relationship, you want to give it every chance you can.

The first step is forgiveness. The problem with this is that it is easier said than done. Quite often, people will say they forget someone but they never truly let it go. This isn’t real forgiveness. Forgiving is an act. It’s a choice that you make and it’ something you have to do for yourself, not for the other person. Sometimes we say we forgive but in our hearts, we never truly let go of the thing that hurt us and it comes back again and again.

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Have you ever been lying in your bed trying to sleep at night months later and then the thing that hurt you pops into your head? You want to sleep and you try to brush it away but still the memories are there, as clear as the day they happened and you want to cry- or get up and punch someone in anger? This means you never truly forgave the person, even if you said you had.

Once you have truly forgiven, you need to learn to trust your partner again. This means you cannot sit around and expect that they are going to do the thing that hurt you once again. If they cheated, you have to trust them to go out alone without you again and not expect that they are going to be with someone else.

Maybe it was looking at porn or chatting sexually with someone online and you’re afraid to leave your partner up at night with the computer. Hanging over their shoulder every minute of the day isn’t going to resolve the problem. It may make you feel a little better as you reason that they couldn’t have possibly had a chance to do anything wrong. But when you do this, you’re showing your partner you don’t trust them and in a sense, you’re treating them like a child. This can even have the opposite result and make your partner want to do something just because they can’t. To rebuild the trust, you have to back off a little and give them a chance.

Some exceptions to this would be if your partner has a real addiction to the thing that broke your trust- such as alcohol or drugs, porn addiction or even sexual addictions. In these cases, it may not be enough for you just to trust them again or for your partner to just say they won’t do it again. Your relationship will need professional help and your partner will need to deal with their addictions while you are supportive and understanding to them through it. Addiction isn’t a license to do terrible things to the people you love.

However, if you want your relationship to survive an addiction, you have to be willing to trust again. Seek the help you both need and then commit to moving on and commit to one another. Don’t expect that you can heal broken trust overnight and if you were the one who was hurt, don’t expect that your partner will have to “prove” it to you before you will trust them again. They can never prove this to you- it’s a decision you have to make yourself.

You either trust or you don’t. Each time we trust, we run the risk of being hurt but it’s a chance we take each time. This is why many people who have been hurt find it difficult to make the choice to trust once more. There’s nothing wrong with taking a chance and trusting someone you love. Avoiding trust will only hurt you more and make you a cold, hard person.

However, while it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to prove to you that you can trust them again, they should be willing to do their own part in this process. You should commit as a compromise to one another as a couple. Maybe you’re the type of person that needs to hear it from your partner. Then you can ask each day that they tell you, “No, I didn’t have a drink today.” This isn’t a checking in process so you can hound your partner but it’s a confirmation to help ease your broken heart.

If you make an agreement like this with your partner, you shouldn’t nag them in between the predetermined times that you agree to talk about the issue. You also should avoid ever bringing up the past incident that you’ve agreed to forgive in an accusing manner such as, “Well, last time you stayed out all night you went to her!”

These tips will help you with healing broken trust in your relationship but they are no magic fix. If you are still troubled or haunted by the pain, suffer from depression due to it or trouble sleeping at night, it’s a good idea to talk to someone about it such as your doctor or a religious leader you trust. These things will eat away at you, ruining your health and quality of life.

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Your Relationship – Don’t Try to Fix it If It’s Not Broken

How many times have you read a relationship advice article and compared it to your relationship? Well, just stop that! If it’s not broken, stop trying to fix it. More importantly, stop over-analyzing it. Why put a label on every little thing that goes wrong between the two of you? There’s something to be said for just taking it easy and living life one day at a time. You be you. Let your significant other be themselves. Meet in the middle somewhere for a good time. Trust each other. Support each other. Leave it at that.


You can ruin your relationship by over-thinking it. For instance:

“Oh man, he’s working late for the third time this week, I bet he’s cheating.”

Maybe he’s just working late. Maybe he’s tired. Give the man a back rub. Let him sleep.

“But what if he is cheating?”

Well, if he is cheating, you won’t change the situation by driving yourself nuts over it.

“But he’s making me miserable.”

No, you’re making yourself miserable. You don’t even know if he’s actually cheating on you.

“But what if he is and I don’t call him on it? I’ll look like a fool!”

You look like a fool now.

If you have doubts, don’t get yourself all worked up about it.

Just ask him. Don’t talk to your friends, talk to your partner. He’s the one you’re in the relationship with. Talk to him like a friend. He’s your best friend, right? So, you can say, “I know this sounds crazy but I’m worried about ____. Should I be worried?” If he says no, trust him. Later on, if you find out you should have been worried, just deal with it. Otherwise, put a smile on your face and be happy you have a relationship. You’re only hurting yourself by getting all upset over nothing. Yes, even if you find out your fears were justified. Life is too short to spend it worrying over every little detail.

What if there really is a problem?

Do you know anyone who has a perfect relationship? I sure don’t. Are you perfect? I’m definitely not. Don’t expect your partner to be perfect. Don’t be so quick to kick him to the curb. He puts up with your issues, right? Don’t scrap your whole relationship just because he has issues too. We all do. The point of a relationship is to work together, not to judge each other.

But what if he actually is cheating?

Oh boy, here we go again. If you catch him cheating or you can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that he’s cheating, then talk to him about it. Maybe you can work it out. Maybe you can’t. But until you actually know something’s up, stop beating yourself up about it. Sure, it hurts. Sure, it’s unfair. Then again, it could be all in your head. If you keep tormenting him about it, chances are you won’t have a relationship to worry about anyway. Don’t try to fix it if it’s not broken. You’ll do more harm than good.

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